RevPJ

Not really sure what to do with my life anymore. I know that I need to move at some point and I need to work to save up money for that to happen. Right now, the goal is to move out to AZ or somewhere else in the Southwest as it seems to be much better for my health. Less pain there for me which means more options when it comes to jobs. Of course, I still want to focus on photography, but I need to realize that it might not happen or at least, not as quickly as I would like. Such is life.

There are some people that I've kept in my life with hope that things would be good between us. It doesn't appear that is going to be the case and it is now starting to feel like they are only holding me back in one way or another. I can't allow that. I can't allow my emotions or my attachment to somebody to keep me from doing what is best for me any longer. I have done that for far too long. They have the option of being in my life or watching me move on. It is their call at this point in time.

Until things get going I'm looking for a job but with my pain issues and other problems there are not a lot of jobs I can do, and with winter approaching things look even worse. Most people don't understand, and many judge me as lazy. Fuck'em. My life, my pain, my business. There's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out of my life.

So, grandma went from hating us to loving us but not able to stand on her own, she couldn't get out of bed to use the bathroom, she could barely hold a spoon to feed herself for two days. Then she was able to move again but was back to yelling and swearing at me and my dad.....She needs more help than we can give....

Then yesterday, she was falling down. Dad called an ambulance and she has been in the hospital since. She called me tonight and was loving and just like the grandma I grew up with so it hurts to say that I still think she should be in a nursing home with people who are trained to care for her. She is talking about not being able to wait to be back home...but she also thinks she has been in the hospital for a week....so her mind isn't all there

I know if she comes home again that it will be harder to get her to go to a nursing home so I'm trying to sort of talk her into it while she is in the hospital. I don't know that it will work but the one thing she did like was when I reminded her that the one nursing home has an ice cream machine that she can have as much as she wants and hell, they will even bring her some to her room if she calls and asks for it....but ya...she wants to come home and I feel like such a horrible person for not wanting her to.

I'm looking for a place. I have no money so I'm applying with the housing authority and seeing if I can get into the local projects even. Dad claims he is coming with me but I know he doesn't want to give up on his mother no matter how much I can see the stress eating away at him...to the point where he is forgetting things and just getting a blank look at times. It scares me that her condition is driving him towards dementia or something already. I can't take care of one, let alone both of them. The stress is too much for him but I know he doesn't want to accept it and just leave her in a home even if it is the best thing for her.

She complains that we are too rough with her when she can't stand up. I don't know what else to do with her. I can only pick her up, hold her up etc while he tries to help her get dressed. I'm not squeezing her, or yanking her, but she says it hurts. I'm being as gentle as I can....this is yet another reason why she needs to be with people who are trained and in a place that is equipped for her condition. We can't do it.....I feel like a failure....I lose my temper with her when she starts swearing at us.

She was so angry for no reason just a few days ago. She was telling me that my mom doesn't love me, that I'm a loser (which I guess is true....33 living at home with no girlfriend, no job, no car....she is right but it hurts), that I'm fat (again true but hurtful), etc. She said my mom didn't even want me around and that is why she left me with my dad when she found a new man in her life (not true, I didn't want to move and my dad filed an injunction to keep me from moving out of the county at the time)...she called my dad all kinds of names, threatened to stab him, me, herself....

I can't do it...but I feel like a failure for not wanting her to come home. I need out of here. I need to get away....I haven't been this depressed in years...not since I went to visit a girl I love and she ignored me even though I spent a couple grand to go visit her......I feel rejected by life....I know that I am a loser but I am trying to improve....I just wonder if it is even worth it.....I wonder why I should even bother.....

*as usual I expect no replies...I just need to vent or I'll bottle it all up and feel even worse (if that is even possible) about things. I love my grandma. I really do. I just can't deal with it. I'm not her only grandchild who is an adult, my dad isn't her only child, yet we are the only two who have tried to take care of her. Now my aunt is talking about just putting her in a home and then renting a U-Haul to come get the stuff out of the house and picking what she wants for herself and her kids....ummm excuse me, but if grandma goes into a home, I'm taking the furniture I need for my new place....My dad and I get to take what we need to not sleep on floors and have a place to sit. I'm not trying to keep everything or sell it for quick cash (we really don't have much and what few interesting things we do have were given to me long ago since I'm the family historian of sorts)....I hate this whole situation. I keep hoping I'll just die in my sleep at this point...

People who claim to love me don't even talk to me....family just ignores our needs for help....nobody gives a fuck...yay life.

**sorry, I really need to vent and I can't do it on FB since family will see it and it will start more fights...I'm tired of fighting.....so tired.....

I really did. I tried to be helpful, I tried to be patient. I thought I could help my dad take care of my grandma. Today, she decided she hates us both because we won't let her ignore her doctors, skip her appointments, etc. We won't let her just hide in her room and call the nurses "whores" and "Sluts" and we make her actually have to get her blood tests etc.

She has people who come in for 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. She acts like they are here 24/7. She insists she can take care of herself, but she can barely walk, she can't make herself a sandwich even. If she goes and tries, I offer to get it for her. This is me not letting her do things...then I get accused of not doing anything....

Tonight she flipped out. She called me all kinds of names. Fat, lazy, ugly, stupid, etc. She said worse to my dad. She then got mad at me again and started on my mom. Then my dead grandma.

She would go back to her room and then come out a little later just to stare at us and tell us she hated us and wanted us to die. She then said she wanted to die.

I finally told her that she was going to be going back to the nursing home. That dad and I can't do this, that the stress is too much and that she was out of control. She went back to her room. An hour later she came out and started again, sat down and then said "let's not fight" I told her that we shouldn't fight, but that it wasn't going to change my mind. That I was leaving, and that dad was leaving. This means she can't stay here alone. Legally, he is responsible for her, so she will be going back to a nursing home.

This happens often. Not usually this bad. She always just acts like nothing happened, and dad and I go back to just dealing with it.

Not anymore. I'm stressed. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I can't help her. She doesn't want help, or her mind is gone to where she doesn't know what she is doing...although she insisted tonight that she knows what she is saying and she means all of it.

While I might still be stuck here in PA for a bit, I'm going to keep doing my physical therapy, working on losing weight, and then...well...then, I think I'll go see if somebody really wants me. If she means what she says. If not, then I tried one last time and I will have to accept it from there. It is time that I stop trying to please others and work towards reuniting with the person who made me happy....I hope she still wants that...

I am starting to change my eating habits. I'm focusing more on lean meats and veggies.

I'm extremely overweight

I have just been diagnosed with minor arthritis in my left knee and moderate to severe arthritis in my back and I'm only 33. These are not conditions that will ever go away.

The plan is to lose weight, and a lot of it in order to keep my quality of life up as long as possible, but at some point, the arthritis will win. I just want to keep that in the distant future.

I also have sleep apnea, chronic bronchitis and depression

There is also something else wrong with my back. A few years ago I was told I had 4 bulging discs and a degenerative disc disease. I need a new MRI to confirm for my current doctor.

I'm basically falling apart. I am rethinking a lot of things now due to it. I don't know that I want to get into a relationship of any kind as at some point I might not be able to walk and I will not put somebody in a position to have to take care of me. That isn't fair to them. It also means that I'm probably not going to have kids. If I can't play with them, teach them sports, etc, then I don't think it is a good idea.

I know that I can reduce the pain, and delay any horrible effects to some degree if I lose weight, so if anybody knows of a good strategy for weight loss, please feel free to comment. I had hoped that my back problems would be something that could be cured or treated. The most they can do now is give me pain killers, and my current doctor will not do that...so I have to figure out how to lose weight through diet as exercise is difficult because of the pain....sort of a catch 22....eh...such is life.

If I didn't have such a great track record of being right. Being able to say "I told you so" over and over really isn't all that much fun....I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore....